Resolving Conflict

The Four Pillars For Long-Lasting Love

The Four Pillars For Long-Lasting Love

After three decades of counseling struggling couples, and after experiencing transformation within my own marriage, I've been able to identify the core components of a lasting and fulfilling relationship. I'd like to introduce you to what I have found unshakeable over time, what I call The Four Pillars.

The Parent-Adult Child Dynamic: Sources of Tension and Healing the Distance

The Parent-Adult Child Dynamic: Sources of Tension and Healing the Distance

Discontent between parents and their adult children has been around for centuries. In today’s times, however, the pursuit of personal growth and happiness among millennials is empowering the breaking of cycles and setting of new boundaries. The younger generations don’t want to follow the status quo and the older generations don’t understand why their children don’t appreciate and respect their elders' ways, contributions and rights.

Relationship Tips for Empty Nesters

Relationship Tips for Empty Nesters

We continue to evolve and grow as people along the parenting journey and most couples grossly underestimate the need to continually invest in their togetherness, to address their differences and areas needing repair. So how can couples build a strong empty nest for themselves, whether the kids have flown the coop or are preparing to do so?

Retail Therapy: Can Shopping Really Be Therapeutic?

“Retail therapy” is often joked about, typically laced with a hint of guilt from seeing shopping as a vice, a weakness, an escape, a consolation from failure or rejection, or perhaps an addiction. No doubt, some of these are all too true. However, as many stores have reopened, after months of quarantine, we are seeing more keenly how a classic shopping spree can actually be good for you. And hey, I’m not just saying this because my husband is a thoroughbred in a 5th generation family clothing business.

I clearly believe that making a purchase should and can never replace therapies and life endeavors that help us heal and feel fulfilled long term. Yet, we shouldn’t dismiss some of the mood lifting and positives that give the term retail therapy an actual backbone.

SOME POSITIVES

Here are some therapeutic benefits of shopping, of course keeping in mind moderation and spending within your means.

Awakening Kindness, Towards Yourself and Others

Especially if you allow yourself to receive without shame, treating yourself to an item that brings you joy can be an act of self care and kindness.  What we know about self kindness is that it creates the foundation for our capacity and desire to show kindness to others. 

Relieving Stress

Any action in which we engage, when fully present, allows our nervous system to regulate and relax.  There’s a term I love that Deb Dana coined in her book “They Polyvagal Theory in Therapy,” called glimmers.  These are experiences that help us feel safe and connected.  For many, shopping makes their glimmer list. Retail shopping can be useful and empowering especially when framed as a tool when triggered. To learn more about triggers and glimmers, Andrea Glik, LMSW writes a succinct summary in her blog, “The Nervous System, Triggers and Glimmers!”

Gaining Control

With so much happening over which we can feel little control, in our world and in our lives, the power in making a consumer choice can tip us into the empowerment side of our human experience.  Once we feel more in control from shopping, this can shift our consciousness as we approach and face the challenges in our lives. 

Engaging in Creativity, Aestheticism and Self Expression

Art and creativity provide a unique pleasure of their own and lift our spirits.  Shopping for clothing can be a creative experience and expression of yourself.  A piece of clothing opens gates for creating outfits, thinking of future events to which you might wear it, for ways you can express your ever-changing self. Some of our purchases can also serve as a gateway to other creative outlets.  For example, if we purchase cooking, gardening or carpentry equipment, the possibilities become endless.  

Human Connection

Entering the marketplace is often much more than simply making a purchase. We are tribal, social creatures and we seek every which way to make a connection.  Whether it’s shopping with your mom, child or friend, meeting new people as you shop, or getting the feel of a town you’re in as you shop shoulder to shoulder, we fill up by being with and around people.  Shopping online is fine, but cannot replace the brick, mortar and human experience.

Ritual to Mark Milestones and Transitions

Let’s start with back-to-school shopping.  What a marker of growth and new beginnings.  Maybe it’s for a wedding, or a new job, or even a traditional practice of shopping for a holiday.  All of these can come with warmth and joy, helping us to make memories and feel connected and safe with what’s familiar. Many find buying new items as a therapeutic tool when transitioning in life, whether that be a divorce (e.g., new bedding), going off to college or moving into a different career or personal stage in life. 

STAYING BALANCED

I would feel remiss if I didn’t spend a little bit of real estate here on tips for protecting yourself from the peril of consumption, of turning outside oneself for fleeting and quick fix happiness.  We all know this on some level, but it can take great effort to seek fulfillment internally versus externally. Here are some tips to keep from contaminating your retail therapy behaviors. 

Consciousness is key. Claim the Why in your shopping.  

Perusing the list above, see what stands out to you as some of the positive reasons shopping is joyful for you.  Then, let that intention permeate your mind and heart. This way, your shopping rises into the proactive versus reactive category. Decide “the why” that serves you best long term.  

For example, we know that the better our mood is, and the better we feel in our bodies and about ourselves, we feel lighter, more connected to our power and more likely to shine our light to the world. So when shopping for yourself, keep awareness of the perpetuity in your indulgence, making it directed also towards being more sharing with others.  

Set Some Limits

Whether that be about time or money, emotional or physical energy, decide ahead of time what feels like a balanced degree of emphasis on your shopping. We enjoy the benefits to the degree that we don’t lose total control. 

Shop For Others

We can counterbalance the addictive perilous effects of shopping by channeling our love of consumption towards sharing with others. It’s a win win.

Check Yourself for Signs of Shopaholism (Compulsive Spending)

We are all at risk as human beings for allowing people and things to become our source, to become compulsive with those things that bring us physical pleasure.  Journaling, pausing, listening within, speaking with a friend or therapist can help to monitor your own sense of balance.  Check out this article from Psychology today for a checklist of signs to see if your spending is out of control.

Let Yourself Receive

Many have great shame in wanting and receiving in life. There’s no blessing in anything that we have when we feel guilty about it. Let yourself enjoy the experience, don’t feel guilt. The shame only makes us feel empty and then makes us more likely to try and fill up the void with more things.

The Power of Our Words

The Power of Our Words

To build or destroy—this is the choice we have with our words every day, the watershed moments we face in those often undetectable pauses before we open our mouths (or keep them closed).

Family Business Survival Guide: How to Maintain Healthy Relationships In a Family Business

Family Business Survival Guide: How to Maintain Healthy Relationships In a Family Business

What are some tips for those involved in a family business, directly or indirectly? How can families maintain their family bond amidst the often tricky dynamics of running a business? How can family members best deal with emotions that can arise when members feel a threat to their power and place in the family, or their self esteem? Here are 4 proactive ideas to consider.

Protect Your Relationship From Holiday Stress: The 4C Approach To Closeness

“We almost break up every year after Christmas,” my client announced. “We go to multiple Christmas’s, and at the end, we’ll declare (if we’re not breaking up) ‘next year we’re leaving town.’” The holidays can be a loving, joyous time for couples, and yet, they can run our stress high and patience thin, trigger old family issues, highlight our different needs and approaches, and quite honestly awaken the “what about me” consciousness. All this can add up to a massive wedge in our most important relationship. 

Sometimes our greatest angst comes from the gap between our expectations— the “should be’s”— and our reality right in front of us. Difficulties and unmet expectations are not only normal, but an inherent and valuable part of our “growing upward” in life.  We become better, stronger from the challenges we face, especially when we own them! We create deep fulfillment when we dive into the darkness and bring out the Light. And anyone in a deep and lasting relationship should know the hard earned and quite miraculous process that it takes for two separate souls to un-peel their ego layers to become one.

Preparation is key for couples to navigate their relationship during the holidays, and this starts with a commitment to going into the holiday as partners. Many outside forces can invade your togetherness but the more you prepare, the more protected your bond will be. I like to suggest openly identifying the potential sources of strain or conflict that the holidays might pose.  COUPLE EXERCISE #1: Take a look at this list below and scope out any hot buttons. Then use THE 4C APPROACH to strengthen your partnership. 

List of Potential Stressors

  • Increased work load, feeling overwhelmed and not clear about how to divide and share the added tasks 

  • Socializing differences (I don’t want the party to end vs I can’t wait to go home)

  • Loyalty to your family and pulled about dividing time among each side, and step families

  • Differences in culture, religion, or spirituality

  • Emotional pain and lack often stirred up from childhood making us more vulnerable and reactive

  • Certain people we are anxious to be around, like In laws or parents or siblings

  • Financial strain and different values on how much do we spend on gifts/food  

  • Alcohol and the need to talk about consumption 

  • Additional compounding life challenges like illness, loss, financial bills or work uncertainty

The 4C Approach to Closeness During the Holidays

1. CONSCIOUSNESS: Take Control of Your Holiday, Don’t Let the Holiday Control You

I learned from the great Kabbalist, Rav Berg, that “consciousness is everything.” Meaning, the seeds we plant with our thoughts and intentions directly influence what will grow and manifest. The first limiting thought to challenge is, “I don’t have control over my relationship, my holiday, my happiness.”  Catch this one quickly and replace with, “I create my relationship, my holiday, my happiness.” Let’s take the client I spoke about earlier, who has made great strides in claiming her power. She now approaches the holidays as a spiritual growth game. Her intention has moved from how can I change my family or get them to love me to how can I see the good, be more compassionate and learn to listen. Further, how can I wake up and first thing, appreciate my partner.  I love this story of taking control of your holiday, your relationship…your life. 

2. COMPASSION: Accept Yourself, Your Partner, Your Reality With Love

Acceptance and compassion go hand in hand, and paradoxically, they provide the best platform for making personal changes and inspiring others to change. To embrace and be with your self, your beloved, and your unique reality together— with acceptance and trust that for good reason, you need to be here in this moment—this opens your heart, and you can just feel the lightness pour in. If you’re feeling heavy or emotionally reactive, a pause is a must. Sometimes that means stepping away from your partner, taking a shower, going for a walk, looking at the sky, sharing in some way—these can all shut down the limiting force of the ego and make room for the bigger picture. Set your intention to awaken compassion within, beg if you have to, and do for yourself that which brightens your soul. I’m a huge fan of self compassion.  As Louise Haye says so well,  “Loving others is easy when I love and accept myself.”

3. COLLABORATION: Go Into the Holiday as Partners  

When we choose to invest in a committed relationship, our lives become interdependent. Our togetherness becomes an entity. If one partner’s gain puts a hole in the galley, then the whole relation”SHIP” goes down. This puts us in a vulnerable position, because we must create a oneness when we often have divergent needs or desires.  But this is the beauty in the dance of love and intimacy—navigating our own individuality alongside our growing capacity to care more for the other’s happiness than for our own.  Taking it one step at a time, we can use the holidays to begin negotiating and taking turns when our own dreams and desires don’t line up.  This collaboration can center around conversations (be careful they’re not “controler-sations”) on the following kinds of topics: 

  • Effectively sharing and negotiating the additional workload common during the holidays

  • Respectfully considering the traditions and values from each partner when creating your own

  • Balancing the religious and spiritual meaning and practices associated with the holiday

  • Showing care and support when our partner’s are stressed or emotionally vulnerable. “This means being supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable,” (Dr. John Gottman) 

  • Being sensitive to personality differences when it comes to attending parties and gatherings 

4. COMMUNICATION: Calmly Make Sure Both Are Heard

One of my favorite communication exercises to do with couples in my practice is the Dream Catcher by Dr. John Gottman.  It’s a turn taking, structured exercise that with great practice and self control can become more integrated into how we relate to our partners.  Rather than pushing our point, calling the other out in some way, the focus is on creating a safe haven of authenticity where each partner feels seen and heard.  The listener spends around 10-15 minutes asking questions like:

  • What do you feel about this issue? 

  • Is there a story behind this for you? 

  • Does this relate to your childhood or background in some way? 

  • What do you need with this issue? 

  • Tell me why this is so important to you? 

  • What do you wish for?

  • What would be your ideal dream here?

  • Is there a fear or disaster scenario in not having this dream honored? having this dream honored?

  • Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you?

COUPLE EXERCISE #2: Pick one of the hot buttons that stood out from the list of stressors above and take turns being the speaker and the listener. The problem might not be solved, and that’s okay.  The purpose is to care enough to catch one another’s real dream and desire. Many need a counselor to help prepare them for this level of listening. You’ll know you are ready for this exercise as a couple if after your heart is filled with love and you feel closer.

Below is the FOx2am show on this topic; and here are 2 links with communication resources. Communication and fighting fair tips, and more about the Dream Catcher.

Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Bullying?  When Does it Cross the Line and What Can Be Done?

Sibling Rivalry or Sibling Bullying?  When Does it Cross the Line and What Can Be Done?

So much attention, rightfully so, has been paid to bullying in the schools. Yet family researchers have recently found that bullying inside the home can actually cause as much or even more damage to children’s mental well being—even into adulthood. 

The Competitive Couple: How to Avoid this Toxic Dynamic

 The Competitive Couple: How to Avoid this Toxic Dynamic

Whether it’s about who does more or who makes more, or maybe it’s who works the hardest or who is in better shape. The bottom line is that while couples yearn to come together as one, the human ego has a pesky way of allowing competition to invade the safe haven needed for love to deepen and grow. Here are some common competitive scenarios I hear about:

Family Estrangement: Why Children Cut Off Their Parents and Tips for Healing

 Family Estrangement: Why Children Cut Off Their Parents and Tips for Healing

Some splits between parent and child come from something sudden or dramatic, but most broken ties develop gradually and stem from misunderstandings and less extreme, albeit hurtful, interactions. Let’s talk about what hope there might be if you are estranged from your parent or child. Here's what I recommend…

Should Kids Come First? Keeping Your Marriage Strong While Raising a Family

Should Kids Come First? Keeping Your Marriage Strong While Raising a Family

When a new couple reaches out for help, almost without exception, it quickly comes to light that the problems in the marriage, in large part, stem from this repeated proclamation, “Well, the kids have always come first.” Now here they sit on the counseling couch, and to some degree in a marriage run empty with one or both feeling neglected, unloved.

Holiday Cheer vs. Holiday Fear: How to Go Above the Overwhelm

Holiday Cheer vs. Holiday Fear: How to Go Above the Overwhelm

We are all faced with a myriad of challenging life circumstances, enough to make anyone feel anxious, insecure or overwhelmed. The truth is, we are not here to simply live a life of stillness and stagnation. To taste real satisfaction and freedom, we are here to overcome, grow and transform. So how do we deal best with times of great stress and stay connected to joy and peace along the way?

Master Your Thoughts, Master Your Life

Master Your Thoughts, Master Your Life

Here are a few truths and facts about the impact of what we allow to dominate our minds— drawing from both science and ancient spiritual wisdom. Then we’ll bring this into practice, with tips and suggestions for taking charge of our mindset.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I’ve created a checklist to inspire you to ask yourself some important questions — 7 about yourself, 7 about your partner/relationship. This exploring process is to awaken awareness, action and personal growth — through which greater clarity will likely unfold. I draw these exploratory questions from my own marriage journey and my work with couples, which have both been profoundly enhanced by what I have learned about relationships from the wisdom of Kabbalah.

How to Approach Tricky Conversations with Sensitive People

How to Approach Tricky Conversations with Sensitive People

As counter-intuitive as it might feel, we benefit greatly from challenges — especially once we ACCEPT AND EMBRACE FRICTION as a tool to grow stronger within ourselves, to become better people and ultimately to build the real love and unity we so yearn to share with others. Here are 7 tips and considerations when approaching difficult conversations with sensitive people (or sensitive conversations with difficult people).

How Happy Couples Deal with In-Laws: Tips for the Holidays... and All Year Long

How Happy Couples Deal with In-Laws: Tips for the Holidays... and All Year Long

Inherently tricky to navigate for many, in-law strife shows up most especially between mothers- and daughters-in-law. And pouring into the mix the degree of conflict and division from our unprecedented election year 2016, the views and dynamics among all family members- especially in-laws, makes for quite a vulnerable time. Here are some tips to help make the holidays and this relationship go more smoothly this year, and from now on.

Election Stress Disorder: Tips for Mental Balance and Relationship Harmony

Election Stress Disorder: Tips for Mental Balance and Relationship Harmony

While this election season has stirred up an especially bitter brew of indignity and conflict, one common bond crossing the political and gender aisle is the election stress. The American Psychological Association just released a new survey indicating that more than half of American adults are either very or somewhat stressed by the 2016 election.

Raising Teenagers: Staying Connected

Raising Teenagers: Staying Connected

Teens need a healthy attachment more than ever during this trial and error phase of life. The more we stay close and connected to our teens (not to be confused with hovering or controlling), the better we can support them emotionally. Through our attachment, we equip them with a compass as they find their own truth and strength, and decision making power. 

Transforming Anger into Growth in Our Relationships

Transforming Anger into Growth in Our Relationships

The key is being proactive and not approaching any conflict from a victim mindset. Rather, see it as a perfect opportunity for growth. This empowered consciousness and approach will begin to eliminate a huge component of what makes us angry in the first place — helplessness.

How to Get Along with People Who Rub Us the Wrong Way

How to Get Along with People Who Rub Us the Wrong Way

We all have people in our lives with whom we find it difficult to get along.  In many cases, we can simply avoid them.  However, what if those we “don’t like” are people we just can't get rid of? Like a sibling or parent, or hey what about those in-laws; or maybe it's a coworker or boss, or member of a community in which we are deeply invested.  We might wish certain people away, yet the truth is, people we have a hard time getting along with—they are in our lives for a reason. We don’t want to miss the learning opportunity that these challenging people might present for us. Explore this growth-oriented paradigm as a first step in navigating the process of trying to get along.