As a mother of two grown children, I’ve come to understand empty nest as a verb, “empty nesting” I like to call it. The letting go process is fundamental to parenting and starts when their babies, grows in intensity as they approach 18, and continues long after they are college bound into their 20s and 30s. Parents feel the impact of every step of their child’s individuation process.
All that being said, even as ongoing as these parenting adjustments are, the most dramatic empty nesting event hits when our kids pack up, leave our home and go off to college. It is a milestone like no other milestone. For me, the first child leaving was emotionally intense and then the second had its own unique hitting home quality because he was our youngest and the only child still living in the house.
BENEFITS AND DOWNSIDES
Every parent’s experience is unique when their children leave home. Much of this adjustment depends on the quality of our relationship with ourselves and our partner throughout the parenting years, well before the college bound date of departure. Some experience predominantly the benefits of this post-parental stage while others struggle with the downsides. Most parents find a blend of the upsides and downsides while adjusting to an empty nest. Like every life stage, there is tremendous opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.
Some Benefits:
Rediscover Yourself - more time for your own self care of body mind and spirit, opening for self exploration, a fresh start for a new stage in life, birthing of a new creation, so to speak.
Better Relationship with Your Kids - not living together and more independence can make room for more harmony and positive communication. The power struggle can lessen making room for more support, fun and friendship.
Refocus on Your Marriage and Intimacy - reducing the mental and emotional load of active parenting can reduce stress and encourage emotional and sexual intimacy.
Fulfillment - enjoying the fruits of your labor as a parentand appreciating all you have given and have been given.
Some Downsides:
Sadness, Depression, Loneliness - This is where grieving comes in. You might really miss your child’s presence and the idea that this active stage of parenting them has passed. It can feel heartbreaking, especially the anticipation and in the first few weeks.
Some struggle for several years, but typically this is seen when parenting has served as a cover for underlying anxiety, depression, hormonal issues and/or lack of self actualization.
Lack of Purpose, Meaninglessness - Many feel lost and existentially filled with doubt about their purpose. I remember even when our daughter went to kindergarten walking around the kitchen for a while not sure what to do. For some it’s a minute and for others much longer.
Relationship Issues - While some relationships improve with the increased open time and space, others who have a poor connection to begin with, who struggle with conflict and lack of satisfying intimacy, can find the absence of their children to only highlight how unhappy they are together.
Anxiety, Loss of Control - Especially for worriers and those who parented with greater involvement in the details, these folks can feel very out of control and anxious. The letting go can be jarring because the trusting-that-all-will-be-well muscle is weaker.
Regret - some feel that time has run out to influence their children in the way they had hoped. Did I prepare them enough? Did I spend enough time with them? Did I teach them all that I had hoped? Did I model effectively? Parents might have guilt or regrets reflecting back on the kind of time you wish you had or maybe you have realized the mistakes you made. We are all on a growth journey and we are not here to have it all together from the get go. We can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be the perfect parent.
Low Self Worth - We see this more with mothers. The extent that our worth is tied up with what we can do for our children, or how they are faring day to day, leaves many vulnerable for a crash after their children leave home. The self worth issue isn't the result of children leaving home. Typically, it has always been there, lurking beneath the surface. We humans are prone to a false identity that our worth is based on external factors. Empty nesting can clear the veils allowing these false identities and low worth issues to come into piercing view.
EMPTY NEST SYNDROME
Some empty nest experiences create such emotional turmoil and sadness for parents that they should be on the lookout for what’s called empty nest syndrome. While this is not a clinical condition, the impact of children leaving home can trigger quite intense mental, emotional and relationship distress. Often unrecognized, the downsides listed above should not be overlooked. The primary caregiver (more often the mother) is more at risk for the negative side effects of an empty nest. Fathers often report they were unprepared for how gut-wrenching their child’s departure would feel.
HOW TO MOVE FORWARD
I feel about empty nesting the same as I do about retirement––I suggest more of a pivot than a final stop. Empty nesting again is a process of shifting one’s energy and focus toward a new outlet for good — for yourself and the world, and creating a new stage in life. The end of what has been must be marked and felt but the way to move forward is to embrace what this means for your own well being and self actualization, separate from your children.
Here are some tips to help you turn your empty nest into a positive new chapter:
1.ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL AND REFLECT
Embrace and express all of the feels. We know about the stages of grief that knowing what you’re experiencing emotionally, disclosing these in a journal and to others really helps us move through the stages. Use this as a time to reflect back on what it was like being a parent to your children when they were living in your house. Savor all those wonderful memories that you get to keep even the ones that were difficult. Appreciate all of them. Don’t rush it, give yourself a minute.
2. SEE THIS AS A CONTINUATION NOT AN ENDING TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP
While the way you and your child went through life together will certainly change, remember that it’s the living arrangements and life stage that have ended, BUT NOT THE RELATIONSHIP. Speak with your child about what kinds of contact they would like to have. Work it out together so that they have enough space and independence while still maintaining close and connected. Each child and your dynamic will need to be tailored uniquely. If you have the blessing of a good connection with your child, appreciate that and don’t lose sight of the soul to soul connection you will always share.
3. FIND A NEW BABY
I always tell empty nest parents who are struggling that what I needed to do was to find a new baby. I needed something else to put my creative energy toward, to feel passionate about. With parenting we have the desire to do good and to influence, to shape and uplift, to inspire and nurture. We don’t stop being creative, supportive and nurturing human beings just because our children move out of the house.
Thankfully, I already had a forum to be creative and share good with others as a counselor, writer and active member of my spiritual community. I gradually built these passions while raising kids, and invested even more as my children grew more independent. These “new babies” filled me up inside and helped me redirect my focus when my children launched.
4. FRESH CHAPTER MINDSET - INJECT EXCITEMENT
Each person needs to find where they want to direct that new energy but I think the first step is to frame this stage of life with a FRESH CHAPTER MINDSET. See yourself with the book of your life ready for a new, open chapter. This can feel daunting if you don’t know where you want to direct your energy, but that’s okay not to know yet. Remember to frame this time as an opening not a closing. Let yourself explore, try new things, and you can even start with what you already know lights you up. Life is a beautiful journey of self realization. You are worthy of the fulfillment that comes from investing in yourself .
5. INVEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP(S)
In addition to investing in my figurative “new babies,” as I rode deeper and deeper into the empty nesting road, I brought my focus to my husband in a more concentrated way. I saw this as a time like we had in the beginning, but with the more evolved versions of ourselves from life knocking us around a bit, teaching us as it so lovingly does. It was a chance to direct my nurturing to my husband and channel my desire to be connected and close toward my husband. I decided it was time to allocate more time for my friendships.
6. SELF ACTUALIZATION
Be open to grow. We all fare best with the willingness to use our life experiences for the sake of becoming stronger, freer and more authentic to our soul. This is an amazing time to better know yourself. Our survival modes try to protect us with the human inclination to hide behind a lot of different things, including our parenting and our children. This is what can leave so many bereft when our children leave the home. Mostly what makes us feel empty is a lack of connection with our true self. We can feel unsure who we are without our children. This profound empty nesting phase is a powerful time to really see yourself as an individual. As they are individuating, you are also individuating.
7. LEAN ON YOUR GLIMMERS
What do you do that you know brings you to a state of calm and joy? What brings you peace, a smile, what lights you up? You probably have many of these you do every day already. Deb Dana coined this term Glimmers: They are tiny moments of goodness where we feel warm, safe and connected. They can range from listening to music, a walk outside, a laugh with a friend, dancing in the kitchen, stretching your body, the feel of your cat or dog, the sound of your loved ones voice. Glimmers help us remember that we can create our own state of emotional well being, safety and connection regardless of what is going on around us.
8. REACH OUT FOR SUPPORT
A Trusted Therapist: Don’t wait till you’re really suffering. You are not alone. I see clients day in and day out who need help to make the most of this profound life passage. Often for women, they are also experiencing menopausal hormone changes and entering a stage of life that naturally awakens growth and change. Women who are typically menopausal and empty-nesters at the same time, can be particularly ready for growth and this leads to exponential openings for a freer more joyful life experience. Therapy can be a wonderful opportunity to work through your feelings about this stage of life, grow your unconditional self worth (not dependent on your children or anything external), become more clear about your own truth and passions, and manifest where you authentically want to direct your energy in this fresh chapter.
Peer Support. So many parents remember this incredibly emotional time in family life. Yes it’s a wonderful time to celebrate but can feel so sad when you actually say goodbye. Allow yourself to spend time with other people who really understand, either because they’re in the middle of it or they have been through it.
9. BIG PICTURE
Remember that that you are wanting this launching for your children, and that your relationship will change its form, but the most important thing is to do everything you can to create a good close relationship. I know with my children as they were reaching the stage, we had some family meetings during holiday breaks or on zoom calls to discuss how we wanted our family to look like as they are getting older. How close do we want to be? What does that look like? What kind of trips do we still wish to take? What kind of conversations do we want to have, and not have? How open and vulnerable do we want to be with each other? As our children are becoming more mature we can transfer slowly and gradually a little bit more into the friendship component.
Take Away:
Change can be hard and scary, but an opening for growth and greater fulfillment. Trust the process of your life and your soul to soul connection with your child. Always remember that investing in your own individual fulfillment will not only bring you more freedom and joy but also serve as a model for your children.
