Every year in my meetings with clients, come November, I prepare myself for the outpouring of support needed for that one (or sometimes many) complicated and strained relationships—those folks who are harder to avoid dealing with when the holidays arrive. Family gatherings—dressed in expectations, long standing dynamics, and close quarters—they’re like earth plates forcing a mountain to the surface. For example, this year my clients are asking, “What should I do about my …
Mother who constantly criticizes and guilts me for not being closer
Brother who shows neither warmth nor accountability for his behavior
Marriage that is so rocky we can hardly be in the same room together
Sister who drinks and is obviously favored by my alcoholic father
Mother in law who takes way too much control in our own home
Son and grandchildren from whom I have been alienated.”
Just to name a few.
The fox2am show: https://youtu.be/24BlpFGdfs4
From my own journey, and from those I am privileged to meet with therapeutically, I’ve believe there are two key aspects to handling a strained relationship: 1) Caring for yourself first, and 2) Dealing with the relationship.
TAKE CHARGE ... INVEST IN YOURSELF!
Regardless of our circumstances, we have been given the capacity to own our lives, to create the life we want, inside and out. We accomplish this by embarking on a journey of investing in ourselves. SELF-CARE 101 is the most important course you’ll ever take for the most important person in your life … YOU. Before we talk about some tips for the strained relationship, here are 6 self care suggestions to consider:
1.Get to Know Your Heart
Ask yourself, “What is this person triggering in me?” Anger? Self doubt? Grief? Powerlessness? Emptiness? Don’t judge anything you feel, but then please know it’s best not to act out from these raw emotions (more on that below). Around challenging family members, we tend to go into self preservation mode and lose conscious awareness. It’s essential for our healing and personal power to build the muscle for being present within.
You might want the help of a therapist or spiritual mentor, with whom you can feel safe to allow your authentic self to unfold. Knowledge is power; the more you are present with yourself and know what’s at the root of your emotions, the better equipped you become to heal and take charge. I probably recommend journaling more than any other tool to my clients. Though it’s not for everyone, I love it for growing our capacity to listen within and connect with US. This shifts the power away from those who are triggering us and back to our source, which can be found within. One step at a time, we can heal the parts within us that did not receive what they needed. As adults, with help, we can literally reparent our younger selves.
2. Practice Self Compassion
Please know you are not alone. I find myself first and foremost validating to my clients how common it is that we have imperfect relationships within our families, challenging and even hurting us even greatly sometimes. Many feel especially sad and isolated when not realizing they are part of a common humanity that binds us. Self compassion is real and it soothes. The Norman Rockwell life we dream about rarely lives inside the canvas. We are meant to fill the areas of darkness in our lives and in our world, as part of our purpose, and so our family members are often known to awaken our deepest lessons and need for healing. They certainly know how to push our buttons!
3. Learn to Say NO
No is one of my favorite spiritual words. Not often understood as such, learning to say no and set limits is not only kind and sharing to yourself, but can allow you to grow into a more kind and truly giving person with others. When it comes to setting boundaries, if you don’t take care of yourself and your energy—being mindful with whom and for how long you share it—this is a tell-tale sign that you are under-appreciating your own value. We are here to be a messenger of light and goodness. We can’t do this when we don’t learn to say no.
When it comes to the holidays, don’t hesitate to create a healthy spaciousness around the person with whom you feel tense. Maybe you stay for a shorter time at the holiday gathering? Maybe you decide it’s not the year for you to come at all? Maybe you give yourself personal limits for how long you will talk about or dwell on this strained relationship in your life? Decide to invest in other people and projects you hold dear. Some like to bring or invite someone who helps them feel seen and strong. Or leave the room when triggering topics arise. Be creative, think “out of the boundaries” in order to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Everyone will benefit.
4. Embrace the Process: Extract Your Own Lessons to Learn
That which we learn from becomes eternal. The drama in our life is merely temporary. When we focus on what is endless—that is, the growth, the lessons, the self love, the strength we dig for—allows us to be in charge of our life and our consciousness. Regardless of what we face, this is the taking-charge gift with which we have been endowed, it’s our birthright to decide what we will do with, and who we become by way of, the difficulties in our life. For most of us, our challenges and our growth stems from our relationship with others. So embrace the present reality and don’t rush through it, lest you will miss the treasure chest of lessons awaiting you—endlessly.
5. Increase Your Resourcing—That Which Lights Your Fire and Grounds You
Now is the time to go to that yoga class, pick up that paintbrush again, open the journal, eat lovingly, call that safe and genuine friend, run outside, look long at the sky, etc. I collect resources. I’m a nerd like that. Click here for a list of common nourishing resources for times when you feel emotionally triggered and need grounding. I’ve placed these grounding resources into 6 categories: 1) Body, 2) Mind, 3) Soul/Spirit, 4) Connection to people/animals, 5) Nature/Outdoors, 6) Art/Music/Creativity.
6. Take an Outrageous Inventory of Your Blessings
Not an easy task especially when something, or someone, is triggering us. Out of self love, take charge of your thoughts and do an outrageous inventory of your blessings. The idea is to expand thoughts of gratitude and interrupt thoughts of lack. We are what we think. And we think what we feed. Shout out and up to the sky about what you are so grateful for that you have been given, down to the detail. Sometimes it needs to be loud so we feel it in our bodies. Whatever it takes to shift the power from the voice of lack and over to the voice of abundance.
HOW TO HANDLE THE STRAINED RELATIONSHIP
The foundation for approaching our strained relationships is accomplished when we prioritize and invest in ourselves properly. Coming from our personal power and self awareness, we often receive the best guidance, from our own heart and soul, on how to best approach someone with whom we have issues. That being said, I have found that how we approach people and relationships that are tricky is one of life’s most important and worthwhile crafts to master. Here are a few tips, Dos and Don’ts, if you will.
The time to communicate with someone challenging in your life is NOT WHEN YOUR EMOTIONAL.
You can work toward resolving the issues between you but NOT DURING THE HOLIDAY GATHERING.
Plan ahead and introspect for what might be causing the disrespect or tension at the holiday. Well in advance, see if you can find some common ground with your family member(s). It’s best to communicate from a proactive desire to make the gathering(s) more peaceful and joyful vs trying to change or criticize the relative.
Don’t take yourself too seriously. If you are overthinking and trying to be perfect, LET THAT GO. We are all human and try to laugh at yourself and life a little more.
Ignore them. Haha. Meaning, if someone judges you, hurts or offends, ignore their poor delivery or behavior. Pull out the message that might be a lesson for you, if it seems relevant. Likely they are commenting on something you have heard many times in your life. Oftentimes, it’s those who bother us most that hold up a mirror for a trait we don’t want to see in ourselves. But still, ignore the messenger.
Share anyway. Do your best to connect to who you really are in your soul—and that is a being of sharing. Enjoy the feeling of genuine care for another human being in your heart. I’m not talking about people pleasing, that’s not sharing. But find ways to give with no agenda in return. When we come from a place of sharing, even if things don’t work out here or there, we know it wouldn’t have anyway. But by leading with thoughts of sharing, we can be assured we gave it our best. Besides, you’ll feel stronger and better from an open heart.
Do your best not to judge. Yes, set boundaries and trust your own feelings and truth. But everyone has a story and their version, and not everyone is as sweetened YET in their fruit-ripening journey. When we refrain from judging, we connect to our higher potential and take charge of our consciousness. This is how to ensure we have nothing to fear.
Seek counseling, either together or on your own. We are not here to go it alone. In fact, when we hear ourselves saying something like, “I need to figure this out,” this is a red flag for trouble. The minute we lose sight of our need for help, we are personally building the roadblocks on our path. Many have trauma that taught us for survival that I can only count on myself. Recognizing our need for help is one of our bravest moves and greatest weapons of personal strength.
